Renée Rigdon (model)
Matt Rigdon (photo)

End of Days Kit:
The AntiCrafter's Emergency Stash

On June 13, 2007, the blogosphere was under attack. Across the world, in big cities and small, the world was changing in ways we never imagined. Zombies had risen, or been created by some strange virus, or some crazy spell was cast by an eleven-year-old girl with a Willow complex, an overfilled spice rack, and too much time on her hands.

We will never know.

But as I frantically refreshed through the blogs, I became convinced of one thing:

If the zombie apocalypse made it to my small town in Kentucky . . . to my safe neighborhood in a nice city with people I know and love . . . I could not survive.

For the rest of the evening, I was on alert. Was that the moaning of the encroaching undead I heard? Or merely noise from the main road a mere few hundred yards away? That soft scratching on the window outside my kitchen was usually just a tree in need of trimming, but what about now? Or now? Could I hide in my house and hope they did not know I was here, with my son gently snoring upstairs, unaware that we were about to be zombie food?

When I awoke to the next humid, quiet day, and we had not been slaughtered, I knew I had to take action to protect myself and my family from the danger that lurks at our doorstep every moment. I created the AntiCrafter’s Emergency Stash. In it was everything I needed to survive. And if not survive, leave something of my memory for the rescuers to find of me after they shoot down my Zombie self at last moment before I attacked and ate a bus of senior citizens waylaid by our numbers on their way to Keno night.

by Renée Rigdon

Difficulty

Rrrrgh . . . . Brains . . . .
Click here for definitions of difficulty levels.

Materials & Directions

Renée Rigdon (photo)
click image to enlarge

Zippered Tote Bag or Large Sturdy Tin

For putting your emergency materials in, obviously.

Red Duct Tape

To make the red cross on the tote bag. Rescuers will not assume you are a zombie if you know how to make a red cross on a tote bag.

Flashlight

The lights will go out as the utility company personnel are overwhelmed by our undead attackers. Pack extra batteries.

Weapon

As there are no guns in my home, I went with the weapon that has been most dangerous to my own health and safety. A rotary cutter. Seriously, has ANYONE ever successfully not chopped off half a finger with one of those? The zombies should run in terror.

Manuals

Given the most likely end of days scenario involves zombies, I picked up the Zombie Survival Guide. However, I wanted my bases covered in case of an door-to-door Evangelical apocalypse, and also included my book on Hypnotism.

Knitting

To keep my hands busy during the long waits in hiding, and also provide myself with extra weaponry. As I chose a sock project, there are five additional stabby thingies in my kit. The yarn could be used to secure any hysterical fellow survivors until they calm down.

Thread Snips

Though they probably won’t save your ass, they’ll cut your yarn.

Renée Rigdon (photo)
click image to enlarge

Hydration

After careful consideration, I realized the only drink available that would aid me in fighting the hoards would be Crunk Juice. Crunk Juice is made with Hennessy and Red Bull, and provides all the nutritional requirements for fighting the undead. It’s like a condom for your liver.

Sustenance

Dark chocolate squares with caramel. If you need more explanation, may the zombies have mercy on your soul.

Cigarettes and Matches

Even if you do not smoke, when you are surrounded by the slavering masses, it may calm your nerves just enough to come up with the last second plan that will save your life. If not, you may be able to set the fire that will alert the heroes, or burn a building full of zombie social workers before they can make evil aperitif of down-on-their-luck roving hippies.

Tissues

It is going to be sad when your neighbor Mae is devoured. You might need to shed a tear. But just one, for you are strong. Alternatively, the rising undead will bring an awful lot of dust. Your allergies will kick up.

Camera

There may come a time where you have to admit, you just aren’t going to survive. Hopefully, someone will. When they do, they will want to compose tear-jerking documentaries full of emotional blackmail to insure that all surviving generations fall into political line with whatever "the man" thinks will prevent future uprisings. Don’t you want to be famous forever? Let’s face it. You didn’t do much with your life, so you should probably take advantage of what little fame will ever be available to you. Take pictures of the zombies, yes, but try to look pretty. If you have any moving pieces of artwork, poetry, etc, take pictures of yourself with those as well. You want people to MOURN dammit.

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